IT’S a common sight in parks around Australia: bleary-eyed parents desperately clutching their coffee as they push their kids on a swing after another rough night.
All too often these aren’t the parents of young babies, but the mums and dads of rapidly-growing toddlers with boundless energy.
Sleep deprivation is used as torture for a reason. It’s awful. It wears you down. And it affects how you think and act.
It’s because of this parents with toddlers cope any way they can. After years of broken sleep, most people will resort to anything to get a few hours rest a night.
From bringing their kids into their own bed, to lying on a hard floor next to their child’s bed, or even elaborate bribery, nothing is off limits.
After one particularly rough night a few months ago where my husband and I lay on the floor next to my two-year old for three hours — none of us asleep — we realised we needed help.
And we weren’t alone.
They might be full of energy through the day, but toddlers sometimes struggle to sleep at night. Tresillian at Nepean in western Sydney caters for kids up to three.Source:News Limited
Toddler sleep issues are as common as they are complex. As kids develop, new types of sleep problems can arise, and can really throw families.
Janice Wright is a clinical nurse specialist at Tresillian, who specialises in helping parents teach their kids to sleep.
She said the issues are varied. Some kids have never learned to sleep, and others develop sleeping problems as toddlers.
“Some kids have never had skills of being able to soothe themselves. They use props such as a dummy or a bottle, or need their parents with them to help them go to sleep.
“Other toddlers did sleep well until they were moved to a bed. They’ve got freedom and now they have the ability to climb out and see their parents.”
She said because of this new-found freedom, and because toddlers are becoming their own little person, many of the toddler issues are very different to baby sleep problems.
“They’re so changeable. One minute they want to be this grown up person, and the next they want to be a baby again. Separation becomes a major issue.”
Sydney mum Danielle Smith found herself at a loss to deal with the sleep issues of her second daughter Hallie. After months of spending an hour or more to get her to sleep, only for the two-year-old to crawl into bed with her parents an hour later, Ms Smith realised something had to change.
“I was sick of sharing a bed! We had no time as a couple. Our problem was that she needed us to be there when she fell asleep. Because of that it made sense that she wanted us there whenever she woke up.”
She took Hallie into a residential stay Tresillian at Nepean in western Sydney to address some of the issues.
“There’s no way she’s sleeping through now — she’s still waking, but she realises that mum and dad weren’t there when she fell asleep, so they’re not going to be there when she wakes in the middle of the night.”
Ms Smith said one of the main challenges was to make sure everyone who cares for Hallie was happy to stick with new boundaries learned in the centre (such as avoiding bringing her into an adult bed).
“As a couple — we’ve had to have a discussion about sticking to the new rules. We’re not sitting there on the chair outside her room with nothing to do. I also had to be strict with my father in law and mum (who both look after her on different days) — they have to stick with the rules.”
Common sleep problems in toddlers can relate to how they play during the day.Source:news.com.au
Nicky Scott is another Sydney mum who sought help for her toddler at Tresillian. Six months pregnant, Ms Scott was determined to help her 2 ½ year old daughter Poppy before the new baby arrives.
While Poppy fell asleep relatively easily, she was waking regularly at night, and not going back to sleep.
“She was having night terrors, so we physically comforted her. Because of that she came to rely on us (every time she woke up).”
It’s the second time Ms Scott has taken Poppy to the centre after they had problems when she was a baby.
“We came in when she was ten months old as she was waking six times a night and only having a very short day sleep. Back then we weren’t dealing with behaviours, so we’re dealing with very different issues for our two and a half year old.”
While the team at Tresillian still taught Ms Scott and her husband to offer Poppy comfort when she woke, they tried to break the cycle of the couple jumping straight into her room to cuddle her every time she woke.
“We were still offering comfort — but it was a verbal way, not physical. So we would call out and reassure her and explain that it was sleep time and we expected her to go back to sleep.”
Ms Scott said she was happy with the outcomes of the stay, believing having a break from the pressures at home gave her the energy to try new techniques.
“Just being there and not having to worry about the every day gave me the energy to shift focus and really think about how we’re going to help her.”
While she says she is happy with the outcome of the stay, she knows it’s not a miracle cure, and will take many weeks of practice.
“It’s just two words, but it’s hard: you have to be consistent and persistent. It’s a golden rule, but when you’re exhausted it’s hard. But being at Tresillian gave me the confidence to put that into play.”
She said that while she was happy with the support she received in the centre, unfortunately some of the advice Tresillian gave over the phone before she went to the centre actually made the problem worse.
“First and foremost the advice I was given over the phone was in contradiction to what I was told in the centre. That was a big one. How they offered that support in the centre was very different.”
Her experience isn’t unique. After being told over the phone to sleep next to my toddler when we first moved him into a bed, my husband and I realised he was learning to rely on us being there, and kept waking every few minutes to ensure we were still next to him.
It’s a problem acknowledged by Leanne Daggar, the Operation Nurse Manager at Tresillian, who said the centre is looking to improve training to their phone support staff.
She said she hoped parents who felt initial advice wasn’t working for them would still seek further help, and ask for a referral to the centre, where many people have successful outcomes.
“We’ll be talking with the parent help line management to make sure the staff get a full picture of the family’s current situation before making recommendations.
“The help line can only give so much information, nobody is there to support you at home.
“In reality of life, if it’s been a long term issue, the parents are usually exhausted. So that’s why coming into a centre (either for a day stay or residential) the staff can work with you to follow through.
Staying in a centre like Tresillian can offer parents not only a tailored solution to their toddler sleep problems, but give a break from every day jobs such as cooking, so they can concentrate on changing their habits.Source:News Limited
HOW TO DEAL WITH COMMON TODDLER SLEEP PROBLEMS
Toddler specialist Janice Wright says while toddler sleep problems can vary widely, there’s some common issues that many parents face, such as separation anxiety (your toddler can’t fall asleep without you), regular waking, constant protesting, or ‘playing games’ when you try and leave them to go to sleep. If your child has a specific problem, it’s best to seek individual help. But all parents can do some things to help their kids get a better night rest.
1. Focus on confidence during the day.
“Toddlers need to develop the confidence to fall asleep in their own bed and feel safe and secure there. Some of the ways they can learn to do that start with their play during the day” said Ms Wright.
• Allow your child to explore during the day, but be there when they need them. If a parent is there when a toddler is feeling unsure of what they are doing, they’ll be more confident in knowing their parent will be there at night when they need them too.
• Don’t think you need to be there all the time (e.g. if both parents work). It’s about picking the moments when your child needs you. If you are with your child, try and lock eyes and make a connection. If a parent doesn’t see a child, they’ll have to change their behaviour to get your attention. Often they’ll change to something less desirable or become clingy, because they’re not getting the attention they need.
She said other daytime strategies you can put into play include using very clear instructions to let your toddler know what’s about to happen.
“Transitions are really difficult for toddlers. They’re engrossed in what they’re doing and they don’t want to change to the next thing. Talk to them in very clear simple language about what’s going to happen. If you’re going to leave them somewhere (e.g. at daycare), say they’ll be safe there, and mummy or daddy will come back.
She said if toddlers understand you are coming back during the day, they’ll begin to understand that you’ll be there at night if they need you too.
Allowing your child to play independently, but being there when they need you can help their night time sleep pattern.Source:news.com.au
2. Stick to a strict evening routine.
Even if you’re out later than usual, keep up with the same routine. A child doesn’t know how to read a clock, but they do know the pattern that happens before bed.
For example, many toddlers respond to a dinner, bath, story, bed pattern.
“Familiarity is really important for a toddler. By doing the same things each evening, they know that bedtime is coming next. That’s where the clock isn’t as important as the pattern. So even if you have a busy day and you’re running late, you still need to do the things in the same order so your child knows the sequence and knows what comes next.
“If you want to go out for the night and leave your child with a babysitter, you start the pattern earlier, and get them into bed with their normal routine.
“If they feel supported, they’re able to separate and go to bed. “
3. Make gradual changes
Different toddlers have different crutches they need to fall asleep. You can make small changes to these to break bad habits.
“If they are relying on a bottle to fall asleep, we can move the bottle a little earlier.
“If they need you next to them to fall asleep, start by moving slightly away. Once you’re at the point you are out of sight of the child, reassure them that you’ll check on them. And make sure you do what you’ll say you will to keep developing trust.
“Don’t remove too many crutches at once. If they have a parent beside them, a bottle and a dummy, we wouldn’t take away the dummy until they’re ready. And we’d only move the parent slightly.”
4. Be consistent, and stick to your limits.
“They’re going to protest. The change can take weeks — you need to stick with what you’re doing for at least six weeks.
Use a reassuring voice when your child is upset (e.g. “it’s OK, I’m here), but lower it when they are being defiant. For example if they get out of bed to play, lower your tone “come on, back to bed.”
Ms Wright said let them know there are consequences to their behaviour. If they are jumping out of bed and climbing into your bed, they know they’ll be walked back to their room.
5. Read the cues of your child
“Are they cranky? Are they scared and distressed? If it’s the former, we might just give them a bit of space to regulate themselves. The latter — more reassurance is needed.
“Sometimes they will call out in their sleep. If you go to them too quickly they could still be in active sleep but we disturb them. The first thing is to reassure them from outside the room. ‘It’s OK, mum’s here, dad’s here, go back to sleep’.”
6. Pick your battles
“If your child is sitting up in bed playing quietly, maybe just leave them, rather than go in and try and get them to sleep.
Ms Wright said usually in this instance the child will eventually lie down and go to sleep.
“It’s a way of rewarding good behaviour.”
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