The worst sex advice from history

CALL me a crazy old fool, but I think internet porn is a scourge.
Naked people humping should not be just a slip of the thumb away. (Dear god, I meant Spanish eggs! Spanish eggs! Bring me some eye-shampoo and the King James Bible!)
No, I think it should take some work to find an image of people doing naughties. It’s much sexier that way. But my sensibilities are not of this time.

Speaking of ‘not of this time’, I started wondering, were we just as weird in the twelfth century as the 21st? I looked into some sex tips from the past to find out.
1. ADJUST YOUR POSITION
German philosopher, theologian, alchemist and astronomer Albertus Magnus died in 1280AD, but before that he ranked five sexual positions from ‘most acceptable’ to ‘least acceptable’ as follows:
1) missionary
2) side-by-side,
3) sitting,
4) standing and
5) a tergo (a well classy Latin way of saying ‘in the style of the dogs’).
Magnus said the missionary was the only completely “natural” position; and the others were on a sliding scale of naughtiness.
The Karma Sutra, however, an ancient erotic Indian text, contains a total of 64 positions (known as the 64 Arts) that include the Galloping Horse, the Rutting Deer and the Congress of the Cow. (Missing: the common positions “Wait, Did You Hear That Noise?”, “You’re On My Hair” and the “Oh Yeah, I Meant To Wax my Legs”.)
2. USE FORKS
Cosmopolitan magazine has had some crackers over the years. But these are my personal favourites: “Press a fork (firmly, but don’t break the skin or anything) into different parts of his body — his butt cheeks, his pecs, his thighs.”
Also, while you’re in the kitchen, Cosmo recommends sprinkling “a little pepper under his nose right before he climaxes. Sneezing can feel similar to an orgasm and amplify the feel-good effects.”
And after all that creative work, feeling peckish? Why not ‘“slip a doughnut around his penis and eat it off”?
3. GET YOUR HAND OFF IT
The 1924 film Personal Hygiene For Young Men advises that “athletics, an abundant outdoor life, wholesome companions, lots of good fun, constant occupation and determination will help a boy who has acquired the habit of masturbation (“self-abuse”) to overcome it and repair any harm it may have done. It is a selfish, childish, stupid habit.”
Also, the film implies that young men who operate their own machinery will be unable to catch a ball.
4. WORK THE COUCH, HAIR
Then there’s the 1936 advice manual called How To Make Love by Pietro Ramirez Sr. Ramirez advises that you nudge your intended into a corner of the couch, making sure she is wedged in by the arm of the sofa. And then “tell her she is beautiful. Then take a deep sniff of the perfume in her hair and comment on it. Tell her that the odour is like ‘heady wine’. Tell her that her hair smells like a garden of roses. Tell her anything, but be sure to tell her something complimentary.
“This done, it is only a natural thing for you to desire to sink your nose deeper into her hair so that you can get the full benefit of its bouquet.”
Be gentle, Ramirez warns. Use, in fact, “the same gentleness as would a cat lifting her precious kittens.” Then, with “a series of little nips,” nuzzle until you feel “a strange stiffening of her shoulders under your arm.”
4. EMBRACE THE HAIRY
The original 1972 edition of Dr Alex Comfort’s The Joy Of Sex might just as well have been named The Joy Of Bush. The hairy glory of this how-to-do-sex manual is shocking and fabulous to our sanitised modern sensibilities, where pudendas and ball-sacks everywhere are as naked and vulnerable as plucked chickens.
From armpits to beards, bums and fannies, the fascinating illustrations of the Joy Of Sex celebrate the hairy beast animal that lives within us all.
Joy, touted as “a cordon bleu guide to lovemaking”, is split into sections from “Starters” to “Main Courses” through to “Sauces and Pickles”. And the smorgasbord is vast, covering horseplay (apparently one of Comfort’s own favourites) to spanking.
Oral sex is coyly and creepily referred to as “mouth music”. Helpful advice included “Never, never refer to pillow-talk in anger later on” (“I always knew you were a lesbian,” etc.).
The Joy Of Sex is absolutely an artefact of its time, and you can almost smell the spirit of the sexual revolution rise from its pages. (The revolution did not use deodorant.)
In conclusion: Be nice, avoid forks, don’t worry about being hairy and pack your rape whistle if there’s a possibility you’ll be near a couch with Pietro Ramirez Senior.
It seems that sex was always weird, like all the best things in life. Go forth and fornicate, my friends! I just hope your lover doesn’t throw pepper in your face as you climax.
SIDE NOTE
While searching for appropriate pictures for this story (keywords: Funny, sex) we came across some REALLY weird stock images. Here are a selection for your viewing pleasure.