Should you have sex on the first date?

GOODNESS gracious, are we still asking this question? It appears we are. And why wouldn’t we be? There’s simply no end to the confusing messages about first date sex.

Some are saying just do it! Be free of the shackles of old-school sexual shame. Others say don’t do it, you’ll put them off with your lasciviousness. Be hot, but don’t be easy.

It’s fraught territory for everyone, this first date sex business, whatever your gender or orientation. You’re supposed to wait, you’re supposed to persuade, you’re supposed to dither and consult the experts, you’re supposed to dive in and be bold. Be a lady, be a man, be open, keep your cards close to your chest. Anything but be the person you really are. Anything but feel what you’re actually feeling.

Sex is a game, we’re told. Dating is a game. And what do we do with games? We try to win them.

But if you make the mistake of seeing sex as some kind of competitive sport, you might miss the fact that your date is actually supposed to be on your side.

If you really want to answer the question of whether or not to have sex on the first date, you’re going to need to use your own experience as a compass. You’re going to need to try a little introspection.

So before you find yourself face to face with a new delicious someone wondering whether to get it on or go home, take some time to think about what you want and what you’re looking for. Because although there isn’t a research-based set of guidelines for first date loving, there’s lots of evidence for the value of thinking carefully about what you’re really like and understanding your own patterns of behaviour if you want to make better choices.

Maybe your past relationships are littered with attempts at playing hard to get that led to nothing but frustration because you were treating yourself like a Christmas cracker. You might be worried that once the bang happens, no one will stick around for the rest of the activities.

Don’t fall for the idea that getting down early is giving it away, even if Jane Austen and Beyoncé might want you to think you need to wait till there’s a ring on it. This is a toxic sex myth based on the idea that nookie is a thing to be taken or a gift to be given. You’re not an object. You don’t have to entice or entertain. Your body is yours to enjoy, not a prize to be won. If you have a history of holding out even when you’re hanging out, you might want to consider trusting your lust. Let your desire make more of the decisions rather than trying so hard to be an attractive package.

Let’s face it. If you wait as long as Pacey and Joey did to have sex, you’re waiting too long.Source:News Corp Australia

But maybe you know that you’re not one to shy away from close encounters with very new friends, and once you have sex with someone you feel all connected and blurry and end up in a relationship before the sheets dry. And maybe you keep bedding dates that turn out to be selfish, married or nasty to their pets. If this is you, then by all means consider holding off on the nakedness until you think you might be keen to be attached.

If sex leads directly to sharing an address for you, if you’re recovering from a series of losers or a broken heart, then taking it slow this time could help you change the course of your love history.

There are no rules for first date sex, but there are lessons you can learn from your own patterns of sexual behaviour. If you can take the time to study the big picture of your sex life, you’ll find all you need to know about where first date sex fits in. So take a good look at how you’ve been hooking up and risk having sex your way. All you have to lose is your shame.