10 things to work out before you get married

Dreaming of long white dresses and living happily ever after? If you want your marriage to last longer than your wedding reception then it’s important to work out a few key issues before you embark on such a huge commitment. We’re often so caught up in the day-to-day of our relationship that we don’t ask ourselves the truly important questions when it comes to its longevity.

All of these issues can be shared through casual conversation. It’s a guarantee that you won’t agree on all issues, but it’s important to know what ones are deal breakers and what ones can be taken under consideration.

From dating to the evolution of a relationship there are stepping stones of self-exposure. Be brave enough to put your honest truth out there and take a chance of it ending quickly. If you’re in the relationship game there’s nothing worse than wasting time chronologically, psychologically or emotionally. Make sure to ask yourself the following before taking the plunge into marriage...

1. What do they want out of a relationship?

First and foremost you should know what the other person wants out of the relationship. If you want commitment or marriage and they are just people-collecting or multiple dating and just want casual relationships, you can save a lot of time.

Most people think this is too forward when you have known someone such a short time, but what’s the point of spending dead-end time with someone with whom there’s no possibility of a future you want. In any case, where they’re headed is good to know.

2. What are your values?

Differing values constitute the majority of reasons for divorce. Find out what each other’s values are. For example where do the both of you stand when it comes to having children? If one of you wants a big brood and the other wants none it’s important to sort it before you get married. 

3. What are your attitudes to money?

What ideas do you share about money? Money is one of the major stress factors in a relationship so know what each other’s attitudes are when it comes to finances. If you’re a saver and your partner’s a spender we guarantee there will be issues later on, so be upfront before you start merging assets. 

4. Do you prefer monogamy or open marriage?

Ask the question. It may seem obvious but you never know someone’s true attitudes to commitment unless you ask.

5. How do you both handle conflict?

If you differ in the way you handle conflict, work out ways of ‘fighting fair’. No screaming, take breaks, allow the other to finish ideas or sentences, no hostile, physical contact. Your opinion needs to be heard, not agreed with.

6. What are the rules about extended family and their allowable involvement in your relationship?

Have this conversation before you find your mother-in-law dropping in at every available opportunity or your partner getting increasingly frustrated at the level of involvement required when it comes to your extended family.

7. What are the rules about ex relationships? Are friendships allowed, as a couple or as a threesome?

Some of us stay friends with our exes, some of us don’t and if either of you fall into the former category you need to establish the boundaries of maintaining this friendship.

8. Does it matter who is the breadwinner and who looks after the home?

Juggling career and home life is important for a harmonious existence, so sort out issues such as how you will divide housework and who will keep working if and when kids come along.

9. What role does religion play in your relationship?

This issue will affect things such as how you will raise future children – for example will you baptise them? Will they go to a particular school because of its religious affiliation? It also affects your relationship in that if one person for example wants to incorporate religion into the marriage but the other is an atheist you will butt heads. 

10. Can your relationship mirror a pyramid where the relationship forms the peak and all other activities come under that peak in importance such as hobbies, other friends, families, sport, etc?

Essentially this asks you both to determine whether your relationship is the most important focus the both of you have. If maintaining your relationship isn’t your main priority it will falter when it comes to the ups and downs of marriage.