A court reporter creates new ways for lawyers to justify client’s actions

YOUR honour, my client only karate kicked that man and broke his jaw because his skinny jeans were so tight they caused nerve damage and he lost control of his leg movement.

If you think this sounds crazy — you’re not wrong.

And it is an excuse that would probably never hold up in a court.

But this is just one idea Geelong Advertiser’s senior court reporter, Karen Matthews, has for criminal lawyers who insist on “mundane” daily pleas.

She has been reporting in the Geelong court for years and has listened while criminals grasped for a get out of jail free card.

Lawyers used to justify their client’s actions by saying “he came from a broken home”, but Matthews has discovered that excuse has been replaced with “he has depression and anxiety”.

“This could be because ‘broken homes’ have become a dime a dozen and no one ever seriously believed that because your parents had parted, you were doomed to a life of crime and misery,” Matthews wrote in an opinion piece for the Geelong Advertiser.

“So clearly the brains trust has had to come up with something else.”

The reporter made clear she was not downplaying the seriousness of depression and anxiety, but said the majority of those diagnosed with that certain mental illness did not feel provoked to break the law.

Matthews hears the odd excuse every now and then; one criminal was apparently too claustrophobic to go to jail, but the courtroom is turning into the daily grind, so she’s encouraging lawyers to get a bit more creative for the benefit of their clients.

She said according to the internet, regularly wearing a tie can create pressure on one’s eyes, which would explain white collar crime.

“I’m sorry, your honour, he was wearing a tie at the time, creating pressure on his eyes and couldn’t see that he was fiddling the books,” she said.

To avoid getting charged for burglary Matthews suggested a lawyer argue their client was allergic to daylight.

“Which means he can only go out after dark, carrying a torch and wearing a balaclava,” Matthews said.

“Of course he was tiptoeing, but that is only because he is a kind and considerate chap who knew people were asleep and did not wish to wake them from their peaceful slumber.”

When talking about a charge of loitering with intent, well of course a lawyer can argue their client was in fact not loitering at all but has gout so they can’t walk any faster.

In her satirical piece, Matthews said a client could not possibly go to jail because sitting for long periods could cause heart disease.

She said a lawyer could argue a month behind bars for a client could well be a death sentence.

Matthews also concocted elaborate excuses for people who have stolen cars, caused criminal damage and been charged with careless driving.

Geelong Advertiser’s Karen Matthews suggest new ways criminal lawyers can justify their client’s crimes.Source:News Corp Australia

But one of the more entertaining excuses was for those who refused a breath-test.

“Despite holding the current world title in balloon blowing, he suffers from a rare lung condition that only kicks in when confronted by police clutching a small device at a booze bus site,” she wrote.

Matthews proved it was possible for criminal lawyers to put forward pleas that didn’t include anxiety and depression, unless it was truly justified.

This isn’t the first time Matthews has offered her advice to those in a courtroom.

She has also given those fronting a judge some fashion tips.

The court reporter warns people to avoid the hoodie at all cost, as it was like “wearing your work gear to a wedding”.

Surprisingly, new sneakers should also be avoided, especially if they are a glowing white.

“Brand new super white sneakers are inclined to give off the vibe that you may have stopped at Kmart on the way to swap your thongs at the shoe stand,” she said.

T-shirts with writing are not a great wardrobe choice either according to Matthews.

“There’s no point having a perfectly good lawyer going in to bat on your behalf, if you front up wearing a T-shirt saying ‘Kiss My Boney Butt’ or ‘Save the Drama for the Llama’,” she said.

“T-shirts saying ‘Armed and Dangerous’, ‘Public Enemy No1’, ‘Born to Raise Hell’ and ‘The Horn Isn’t Working, But the Kalishnakov Is’, may all be fairly accurate descriptions of your personality but remember, you’re going for a community work order, not a jail sentence.”

And lastly, Matthews urges those fronting court to steer clear of borrowing clothing, especially if you’re mate is a size XXL while you are a small to medium build.

“It’s not going to look too flash if the only part of your face visible is a set of eyes peering like some rat through a tussock out of a giant oversized collar,” she said.

“Remember, it is also important to be able to find your hands quickly so you can sign the good behaviour bond before someone discovers you’ve already had one of those before and didn’t do so well.”