It is very easy to start feeling closer to those we work with than the people with live with. And suddenly that co-worker can look like an attractive choice.
After all, they find you hilarious, they are fantastic listeners, they are cute and sexy and …. oh boy.
According to some statistics, a whopping 36 per cent of us have had an affair with a co-worker. Here are some of the things to consider BEFORE embarking on an office affair:
PEOPLE WILL FIND OUT
Humans are extraordinarily perceptive. They have exceptionally good eye-gaze detectors so that they can detect the slightest movement of another person’s eyes.
You know how hard it is to furtively glance at the time and NOT have another person notice. Now imagine how often you will unconsciously be eyeing your object of desire in the office and how easy that will be to spot.
Humans are also excellent at picking up congruency cues: that is, whether there is a difference between what you are saying with words and what your body language is saying. Your words may be, “Nothing’s going on between us” but your tense shoulders, slight face flush or the bead of sweat forming on your brow will be broadcasting another message.
People pay way more attention to body language cues than the words they hear.
PEOPLE WILL TALK ABOUT IT — FOR YEARS
I am constantly amazed at how long the story of an office affair persists — long after those involved have left the workplace.
People don’t often get to have real life dramas roll out in front of their eyes that don’t involve them. It’s just like watching reality TV! Only better! They can judge you, tell stories about you and pretty much everyone is interested. It’s a fabulous story opportunity that will be told over and over.
YOU WILL LOSE YOUR CURRENT RELATIONSHIP
When (and it’s usually when) your partner finds out you’ve been having an office affair, it is highly likely that you will end up separated or divorced. Another sobering statistic: 41 per cent of first marriages end in divorce.
If you are in an emotionally or physically abusive relationship, then it’s imperative to get out, office affair or not. However, if physical or emotional abuse does not characterise your marriage or partnership, make sure you consider all the players in a divorce.
You don’t just divorce your partner, but also your children, pets and extended family. You will spend significantly less time with all members of your family post-divorce. This can be a shock.
ONE OR BOTH OF YOU WILL LEAVE YOUR JOB
Sadly, when an affair comes to light in an office, it is often the case that one or both parties end up leaving. If the news of an extramarital affair breaks, the sheer weight of being the topic of many office conversations can be too much.
Or it can be because the relationship ends: it is rare that relationships end mutually and it’s hard enough to manage the hurt feelings of separation without having to sit in meetings with your ex. Or worse, take instructions from them.
More and more companies are getting their employees to sign non-fraternising agreements or a “love contract” that limits employer liability and reduces the risk of a sexual harassment claim if love goes wrong.
THE RARIFIED ENVIRONMENT
Your co-worker is super attractive for a few reasons. You are seeing them at their best and most confident — they have their work “mask” on (as we all do at work).
The flutter you get in your stomach when you see them can be just as much about the fact that you’re keeping a secret from your boss or co-workers as it is about their general wonderfulness. Is the thrill you’re feeling about your object of desire caused by them, or is it also due to the dramatic situation you’re in? Worth thinking about.
And … the stresses of an established relationship are not there: You don’t share money, you’re not raising children together and you have no idea that at home they leave all the cupboard doors open, their towel on the floor in a sodden heap and spend all their spare time playing Candy Crush.
Before you cross the line after a couple of after-work drinks, keep in mind that all products look better on the outside. Once you get them home and unwrap them, you are often disappointed!
Don’t underestimate what you already have and what’s at stake if you make a choice to start something up with someone in the office.
Go well, everyone!
Dr Christine Brown is an Inventiologist, Psychologist and Executive Coach.
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